Had I'd Known NPR Would Link to My Blog

1. I would have updated my blog last night with something witty or plagiarized a short story by Mark Twain instead of drinking five glasses of Franzia and scraping peanut butter out of the jar with my tongue.
   
   
2. I would have Photoshopped (Adobe hates that verb) the photos of me on this blog to make myself appear more like Homeland hottie, Damian Lewis, rather than a Ronald McDonald impersonator who struggles with sobriety or a convincing argument for genetic testing.
   
   
3. I would have taken the day off so I could monitor my site’s visitor activity, instead of sending a company-wide email urging my coworkers to “suck it!” and trying to convince anyone who listens that it is only a matter of time before I have Terry Gross’ babies.
   
   
4. I would have never mentioned in previous posts that I curled my dog’s hair, take Tylenol PM as a method for forming brilliant ideas, decoupaged breasts onto a coffee mug or claimed to have once handled snakes to achieve spiritual enlightenment.
   
   
5. I would have said something cleverer, had I known Alan Greenblatt was going to quote me directly in his article, Identity Crisis: Your Name Is Famous But You Aren't, although this is honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Thank you, Mr. Greenblatt.

CJM