Friend Cuts Affect Hundreds

Des Moines, Iowa – Founder and President of Conor J. Murphy Social Networking, Inc. announced Friday that Conor J. Murphy’s Facebook page will undergo substantial reorganization with Murphy’s friends list experiencing the majority of the impact.

“Our first-quarter returns on pokes and birthday wishes were lower than forecasted. We have to make drastic changes if we are to remain competitive in the social-networking market, and that means trimming the fat,” Murphy said in a status update from his living room.

As announced, Murphy has already dropped nearly 75 fat friends in an effort to keep his page more attractive to future friend requests.

“We plan to downsize in three phases, Murphy said. “ Those who will be affected have already been notified via a tag in a note. We are currently working with those friends to help them garner admission into other less demanding social networks like LinkedIn and Twitter.”

Those who have tagged Murphy in unflattering photographs will be immediately impacted in Murphy’s Facebook restructuring, followed by friends who Murphy met once while intoxicated and those whose only status activity is a daily horoscope update.

“So far, we’re hoping that only these three groups will be touched by the downsizing, but we have to consider the value that Farmville players and those who only post photos of their children bring to our network,” Murphy stated.

Since Aug., Murphy’s social network experienced a steady increase in childless friends who have more time to comment on Murphy’s status updates.

“Our childless friends are our highest performers, same with our unemployed friends—we can’t afford to lose them,” Murphy stated. “We also plan to keep immediate family despite the criticism. Sure it’s nepotism, but it’s a practice that’s extraordinarily common in social networking.”
Since early 2005, Murphy’s Facebook network has experienced a dramatic increase in activity and Murphy admits that their practice for vetting friend requests hasn’t always been very sophisticated.

“As long as we knew who was sending the friend request, we gladly accepted. But, now more than ever, it’s imperative that we become more selective in our approval process,” Murphy stated, citing his social network’s policy to approve requests from one-time acquaintances he met at a cocktail party and ignore only those requests depicting strange buxom women looking to meet “cool people.”

No word yet if coworkers will be cut, but insiders report that they have already been blocked from receiving status updates

In 2010, Murphy shocked the social-networking community by restricting his profile access to friends only, a strict departure from the company’s previous open-access policy. That decision drew sharp criticism from many of Murphy’s Facebook stalkers and left perspective employers wondering just what Murphy had to hide.

Earlier this year, Murphy’s Facebook page underwent an extensive rebranding initiative by migrating to the new Timeline format and adding a cover photo, a move generally viewed as progressive and garnered Murphy several likes.

Murphy’s Facebook page is not the only social-networking site that will experience drastic downsizing. Murphy has already begun un-following people on Twitter and Murphy’s MySpace page, a subsidiary of Conor J. Murphy Social Networking, Inc., is slated to be deleted in May, citing friend request activity down nearly 99 percent since 2008.

“MySpace performed well for us a decade ago, but the market has changed and we’re no longer looking to pimp our MySpace page by adding flashy backgrounds and pictures of kittens with sassy captions,” Murphy stated via his Google+ account. “It was a hard decision to make, we still remember the code to add a photo from the Internet to someone’s comments,” Murphy reminisced.

Conor J. Murphy Social Networking, Inc. made a similar decision in 2006 to close Murphy’s Friendster page. Many of those friends were reassigned to MySpace.


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