Memoirs of a Mustache: What I learned in 24 Hours with a Furry Lip

  1. Men love mustaches

    The mustache harkens back to a more genteel time when pipe tobacco wafted through the air of a mahogany paneled room and bourbon was meant to be savored among leather-bound atlases and taxidermied wildlife. Perhaps one gentleman said it best when, upon seeing my mustache, he blurted, “Dude, that is awesome! My wife would divorce me.”

  2. Women hate mustaches

    For some reason, best known to themselves, women hate mustaches. One woman remarked, “Why would you purposely do that to yourself,” as if I mutilated my face by hacking off my nose because it didn’t go with my outfit.

  3. People assume you drive an El Camino or Camaro

    I was loading my groceries into the trunk of my Dodge Stratus when a teenage boy sized me up and said, “I would have thought you would drive something a little more vintage.” I followed his eyes and noticed he was smirking at an El Camino parked a few spaces down.

  4. Men with mustaches love men with mustaches

    It’s as if men are under the spell of some sort of mustache Brokeback Mountain, but men with mustaches love other men with mustaches. Perhaps it’s a sense of camaraderie that men feel when they happen upon other men bucking the trend, but when there are two men with mustaches in a room, mutual love and admiration isn’t far behind.

  5. Children are afraid of mustaches

    If you have a mustache be prepared for children to glare at you from behind their mothers’ legs. There is something about a mustache that frightens children; after all, every villain they’ve seen in a cartoon has a mustache. Or, maybe, children are merely frightened of Greek women.

  6. People assume you’re a stalker

    When donning a mustache, one mustn’t walk too closely behind another person. While on my way to the restroom in my office, one woman quickened her pace and continually peered over her shoulder at me as if I was going to have my filthy hirsute way with her right there among the file folders. Hitler and Stalin have done irreconcilable damage to the mustache.

  7. Don’t eat tuna salad

    Certain foods should be avoided when one has a mustache. After enjoying a very creamy tuna-salad sandwich, I spent the remainder of the day smelling of a Friday fish fry or a Red Lobster. One should also avoid barbeque; the sauce is like a henna rinse for your stache.

  8. You won’t stand out in a hipster bar

    If you’re growing a mustache to be different, don’t walk into a hipster bar or an Urban Outfitters—the mustache is essentially hipster camouflage. If you’re desperate to be noticed, you’d have an easier time sporting a pair of Dockers or reading an USA Today.

  9. A mustache demands a different name

    Sometimes your name simply doesn’t match your mustache, in which case, you must adopt an alias. While donning my stache, I insisted people call me Gary; the name Conor simply wasn’t worthy of a man with a mustache as regal and red as mine. Other possible names include, Steve, Dale, Wayne and Archibald.

  10. Only Tom Selleck can truly pull off a mustache

    I don't feel this one needs much further explanation. Unless you're Tom Selleck, you look like an asshole.


Corinne B. said...

Gary? I'm telling him you said that.

Sam Routledge said...

As a woman, I'll let you in on a secret: it's a jealousy thing.

Seeing a man proudly wearing a mustache, when just that morning we applied hot wax and cotton strips to our own upper lip, is nothing short of infuriating.

Conor J. Murphy said...

Haha, Sam. On behalf of all mankind, you have our apology. As an act of solidarity, I promise to never grow a mustache again.