Introducing Mavis

Mavis is the self-appointed president of the Conor J. Murphy Fan Club, and while her duties as my fan club president leave her with little or no responsibilities, Mavis has managed to find time in her very busy schedule to look for love (despite the fact she is not busy organizing fan club meetings nor is she peddling Conor J. Murphy paraphernalia).

While Mavis has previously been married twice, she’s hoping that the third time is a charm. She is looking for one lucky gentleman to carry on a long-distance love affair with over the Internet and perhaps even meet with her a few times a year to pleasure her fast and nasty. Will that lucky guy be you?

Mavis, an established fiber artist, is looking for the man that will make her say, “Is that a spool of yarn in your pocket or are just happy to see me?” Mavis is a 46-year-old Georgia resident, but don’t be fooled, this Georgia peach enjoys the finer things in life from attending concerts to eating sushi, unlike her opossum eatin’, banjo pickin’ Southern counterparts. What’s more, this Southern belle has a kinky side. Mavis says she loves the idea of being a lesbian, but can’t bring herself to actually have sex with a woman—so belly up all you effeminate men out there; just kidding, Mavis is looking for a rough and ready renaissance man who shares her passion for outdoor cafes, museums, and primary colors. And the best part, Mavis says she’s spiritual but not religious, so no need to worry about this skirt scurrying off to the confessional after some sweet Southern slap-and-tickle.

No long walks on the beach for this gal on the go, Mavis is a focused and committed artist who constantly strives for high moral ethics in both her work and her life. While she simply does not have the time to be married or in a committed relationship, she is looking for that special man to fill her inbox (not that inbox, pervert) with scintillating sentiments and clever conversation.

When asked about her musical tastes, she enjoys drum circle music, Counting Crows, and Lee Michaels. Perhaps you can woo Mavis with a bold balled in the key of love, but keep in mind; you’ll always play second fiddle to her number one canine companion, Burton.

If you think you’re man enough to e-date this artistic Aphrodite, leave a message for Mavis in the comments section of this blog and tell her why you could be her e-lover.

The name Mavis may mean bird, but something tells me that this saucy Southern siren will have you singing Dixie.

CJM, signing off....

Feed the Lazy

This is Conor. Conor is a struggling writer with a dead-end job and thousands of dollars in student loans. For just $4.00 a day, the cost of an over-priced cup of coffee at Starbucks, you can sponsor a bum like Conor.

Now Conor’s story isn’t all that different from the others you’ve heard on Feed the Lazy. Conor’s parents cut him off after college believing he should be self-sufficient and capable of being gainfully employed. Now, just look at the debasing living conditions Conor is forced to endure—empty beer cans strewn everywhere, broken wineglasses, and cigarette butts littered across the rug. What if this were your child living in this squalor? If Conor were your child, wouldn’t you want to know that he is being provided for? Well he can be for just dollars a day.

Your $4.00 will buy Conor cold beer to drink and a fresh pack of smokes. We here at Feed the Lazy guarantee that every penny you send goes directly to a needy dead-beat just like Conor. What are you waiting for? Make the call today and help Conor buy that margarita set he has had his eye on at Bed, Bath, & Beyond.

Feed the Lazy is the oldest charitable organization of its kind with a nearly two-month history. When you call, you will receive a letter from Conor in an illegible hand most likely scribbled in an orange crayon and reeking of vodka. You’ll also receive a picture of Conor lying next to a pool of his own sick with his hand in a stripper’s g-string. You will be proud to show all of your friends and let them know that you sponsor Conor; and that’s something you can feel good about.

So call today and help Conor get his cable reinstated before The Real World marathon starts this Saturday. For just dollars a day, you can make a difference in a middle-class vagrant’s life.

CJM, signing off….

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Author's Note

It has been brought to my attention that some who read this post may be led to believe that this is an actual plea for financial assistance or that this is an accurate portrayal of my current living conditions. Allow me to assure all who read this post that it is purely fiction and is meant to be a parody. It has also been suggested that I remove this post. For the record, this is my blog and bears my name. I will not now nor will I ever be swayed into self-censorship, nor will I ever permit any party to exercise editorial control over the content of this blog. I invite any reader who takes issue with something that I have written to use the comments section of this blog to engage me in a healthy and intelligent debate. With that said, please enjoy my blog.

Sunsets & Memories

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, and I want to talk to you about retirement. It's something that we will all one day do, and shouldn't it be enjoyable?

Here at Sunsets & Memories Retirement Village, we have all of the amenities a person with your lifestyle desires. We want your stay with us to be both pleasurable and gratifying, and we know that only we can provide the facilities that you crave. That's why we at Sunsets & Memories are certain that we alone can provide you with the attention you deserve.

Sunsets & Memories is not your average retirement home; you won't find arts and crafts and boring games of Bingo in our activity room. Instead, we offer a tremendous variety of activities such as binding, spanking, and whipping that you can only find here at S&M.

Average retirement facilities believe that defecating oneself is a nuisance and a problem, but not at S&M. We encourage each and every one of our patients to shit their pants as to derive pleasure from the humiliation of sitting in one's own squishy feces. At other facilities, you may be bitch-slapped by an insubordinate medical assistant for crapping your pants, but at S&M we can ensure that you will receive a quality pummeling by both our staff and your peers.

Now we know what you're thinking. What if I break a hip during one of these beatings? Rest assured, we will be right by your side to celebrate every milestone, large and small, that you endure while staying here at S&M. There is nothing we love more than the sound of a shattering pelvis.

Now, we know this all sounds too amazing to possibly be true. Well, don't take my word for it, listen to George Stephenson, a five-year resident of S&M Retirement Home.

I moved to S&M back in the summer of 2000, and it was the best decision I've ever made. The first night I was here, they were holding their 17th annual strangulation orgy. Well, I throttled poor Hank over in 203 so hard he nearly lapsed into a coma. Ever since then, I knew this was the place for me. I looked at nearly a dozen other retirement homes, but none of them had the complimentary ball gags and handcuffs that S&M provides. Plus, S&M has a wonderful roommate pairing system that matches each sadist with a masochist. But, I gotta run. Sylvia and I are going to go get our chodes pierced in the salon.

If you're like George, you'll want to take complete advantage of our full-service salon, Slash & Burn. We offer a full range of services from nipple, labia and scrotum piercings to our exclusive hot oil treatments, during which one of our qualified technicians slowly pours boiling baby oil on a body part of your choice. And of course, all of these services come free of charge when you become a resident of Sunsets & Memories Retirement Village.

Now I want to get back to the roommate matching service that George mentioned earlier. Here at S&M, we force you (because we know that's what you like) to fill out a 30-page questionnaire detailing your turn-ons. We want to find out what really gets you hot. We then take your answers from the questionnaire, devised by our staff psychologist Dr. Peter Grim, and match you with a resident that shares your interests.

Let's take a moment to hear from one of our satisfied residents.

My name is Gert, and I was matched with Betty three years ago. I'm the bitch, and Betty wears the leather in our little family. Betty and I do everything together, from whipping to biting. One of my primary concerns after my husband died was that I no longer had anyone to bloody my lip. Betty has done a superb job. She's split my lip with everything from a broken beer bottle to a roll of quarters wrapped in a Depends. I've become completely reliant on the love I get from Betty. Thank you, S&M.

Wow, Gert, that's a beautiful story.

If you thought retirement would be the end of your days of sleep deprivation and suffering, you have options. You have Sunset & Memories Retirement Village.

Call the toll-free number you see at the bottom of your screen for a free video and brochure about all of the amenities S&M has to offer. In our 30-minute video, you'll see our whipping post, along with our happy residents being pricked with needles while locked in the stocks naked. You'll also see our luxurious state-of-the-art dungeon. Call today.

We know you have alternatives when choosing a retirement home, but we hope you choose Sunsets & Memories Retirement Village.

For S&M, I'm Wilford Brimley.

CJM, signing off....